| It's been a while. |
[Jun. 3rd, 2008|02:33 pm] |
I am losing my mind...
i am so scared of diving back in. I abhor expressing my feelings out loud. I hate talking about this business. And people still seem to want to pry.
Why does it seem like everyone wants me to make snap decisions about things? |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 6th, 2007|11:27 pm] |
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Cheese-itz and chocolate milk are pretty much the shit. |
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| Since i've fucked things up, just like I always do. |
[Oct. 30th, 2007|11:06 pm] |
| [ | i feel like being... |
| |  anxious | ] |
| [ | eat your cupcake |
| | DG- MA | ] |
I hate this, I hate this, I hate this.
I've this friend, who's way too damn much like I used to be, but she actually has kickass parents. She was talking to me about certain things tonight, and now I'm hella worried about this kid. I see myself in her so much, and I know that road. I know where it goes and what comes out of it. It's not pretty. I spent the latter part of my freshman year and all my sophomore year in a complete and total fog. I don't remember it at all. I think I have memories, but I was entirely too fucked up to even comprehend. I don't want her there. |
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| Why don't people think? |
[Oct. 25th, 2007|03:14 am] |
| [ | i feel like being... |
| | Falling. | ] |
| [ | eat your cupcake |
| | Somewhat Damaged. | ] |
I am about to completely unravel, and it's not going to be pretty. I am so scared to tell C that he's got to leave the love of his life, and it's fucking killing me. Here's the story:
Friends of mine got engaged a little after high school.. Fwd to college and she's Amanda's roommate first semester. She meets this guy online, as if that doesn't scream Ted Fucking Bundy, she invites him to the apt. He's from Lyon college in wayupnorth, Arkansas. He comes over and she and mr. Bundy are locking her room. C, her fiance', gets a call from someone in the house. It wasn't pretty. She claimed to be sick when they had spoken earlier. C came over and she opened the door to her room in a cami and underwear. I'm still trying to figure out how no one died and they didn't split up.
FWD. Now they're married. He's with the National Guard. he's currently away at mark's/rifle training in ft. Chafee. He'll be home Sunday. Well in the week and a half that he's been gone, I've been suspicious of certain things. I live in podunk town, so everyone here works in the Big City twenty minutes away. So since C's wife works in the Big City, she can get away with things there. She was until Sunday. I went to C's house to check on her because she was supposed to be staying with us that night. She was there with every light on in the house, even though she claimed to have a migraine. A and I staked out there for a good hour or so... nothing happened. She came over later that night. Someone she left her phone in my room to charge. Curious me searches the messages. I'm sorry, but a married woman doesn't text about fucking someone else in the shower, even if she's just playing. That and one mentioned something about eloping and how cheater boy wanted to stay. I'm pretty sure he was there about twenty minutes before we got there. She works at a food place, so I went and had dinner to hang out or whatnot. Afterwards, I followed her to an apt. complex in the Big City, took pics, ect. Today my sources have confirmed that those were his apts, and I also have visual proof of them kissing and whatnot. I am so mad. She's sleeping on my futon right now. I want to smother her. I want her so fucking tortured and dead that it's becoming an obsession.
C is my downfall. I can't tell him while he's playing with guns, or he'll kill himself. This is the kind of guy that would bend over backwards to help someone he didn't like. I just hope he doesn't take her back after this. I just hope he doesn't get mad, but he's been asking. I think he knows something's up because I have talked to him more than his own wife while he's been away. This is the part that is completely draining my emotions and making me want to crawl in a hole and stay there. I haven't been this close to doing something stupid in a while. Right now, I just want to get so fucked up, that I forget everything. That may happen once it's all said and done.
Sorry, I just had to get this out, and it's the only place that's safe. |
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| Look at me. I am witty. |
[Sep. 30th, 2007|01:46 am] |
| [ | where? |
| | The Congo. | ] |
| [ | eat your cupcake |
| | "All Along the Watch Tower" - Hendrix. | ] |
I also refuse to have a battle with an unarmed person.
I wish I could delete half the stuff that's on here, but to a point, it just seems too sentimental. I don't know why though. It's been almost four years since I started this whole live journal process. I don't even know if anyone is reading this.
College is like AHS. Nothing good came out of that place except a few friends.
I have facebook and MySpace, but I don't really like them. |
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| It was almost too surreal. |
[Sep. 28th, 2007|01:07 am] |
| [ | where? |
| | Lao. | ] |
| [ | i feel like being... |
| |  accomplished | ] |
| [ | eat your cupcake |
| | "spoon" cibo matto | ] |
I don't know what I'd call her exactly, but she's married. It's just weird.
I know what I'm talking about. I think. There are drunk people on my couch mouthing about various things, but I can't seem to get this one out of my head.
I think we've all grown up. Even me. I know I used to be horribly immature, but I think I've reached my stage of reasoning without compromising my age. I do have a test a nine in the morning but this just seemed appropriate.
There was just a point to where I just got over somethings and realized how blatantly childish I was a told myself to grow the fuck up.
There's a gnat buzzing. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 10th, 2007|01:05 pm] |
I'm crawling back into my hole of discontent.
I seem to have lost. |
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| Le dance. |
[Feb. 22nd, 2007|01:47 am] |
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I'm still alive. I'm thinking about updated this thing more frequently. It's the only journal i've managed to keep for a while |
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| so help me.... |
[Dec. 5th, 2006|09:04 pm] |
| [ | where? |
| | my house | ] |
| [ | eat your cupcake |
| | "one step closer" linkin park | ] |
get of the shower and i have a missed call. it's my mom, so i call her back and she's going on about the cell phone bill and such, and ugh. i had gotten on the internet here and there to check the weather when i didn't have access to such technology, didn't think it was a big deal. i guess i was wrong... i could tolerate my mother teliing me that i went over that's fine, whatever... i told her to write herself a check for the internet stuff. but when i hear shit in the background about me "need[ing] to stop" and "... no reason for me to be on the phone, ect." i'm getting pissed. get the fuck over it. i'm sick of the bullshit. i don't live there anymore, i don't have to abide by rules, and you can't fucking control what i do.
see, this is what happens when you fucking hold me back. i've had to keep my mouth shut for far to long, and i don't have to anymore, and i'm not going to. there's abso-fucking-lutely no goddamned reason for you to be telling me what i can and cannot do. i don't know where you get off thinking that i'm going to sit and listen to whatever it is you're telling me. so what, costed a little bit of money... big dea, just tell me and i'll pay for it.
the moral of this.. it's killing them that they can't control me, and i'm sick of it, and i'm not going to put up with the facsist crap anymore. leave me alone.
goddamnit. i'm sorry for my mom, a little, because i no intention of going over there anymore. yeah, i'm going to get my stuff that i still want, and that's it. i'm done. i'll talk to my mom or whatever, but i don't want anything to do with her husband. and he's not going to put me in pissy moods anymore. i just took all of this out on joel, and that's not fair to him. |
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| such atrocities. |
[Nov. 26th, 2006|09:08 pm] |
| [ | where? |
| | my chair | ] |
| [ | i feel like being... |
| |  pissed and slightly drunk | ] |
| [ | eat your cupcake |
| | see below | ] |
there are times when i have to have entirely too much self control. i shouldn't have to, but i do. i can't stand the fact that just because i'm 18, people (not you, or you) seem to treat me like i'm a two year old with a smelly diaper. sure, i've never had a real job, i don't get told "no" often, and i generally get what i want, but that doesn't mean i can't form my own opinions or use common sense. i'm not in the mood to deal with a guilt trip, that shit doesn't even fucking work on me. half the shit i got randomly, and i mean randomly, yelled at for was completely unecessary, not to mention uncalled for, and it's really not my fucking problem. as far as "running from the truth" as you so aptly put it. fuck off, the only reason i didn't finish the screaming match is because i would have broken something or smashed the shit out of the nearest person.
i can't stand when people try to lay a guilt trip on me, call me insensitive, or just a bitch i don't care. i have no sympathy for you, and don't expect any. not even now.
playlist-o-the-hour.
"get over it" ok go
"the wretched" nine inch nails
"breathe me" sia
"halo" soil
"the hand that feeds" nine inch nails
"march of the fuckheads" nine inch nails
"heresy" nine inch nails
"wish" nine inch nails
"one step closer" linkin park
"10,000 fists" disturbed
"down with the sickness" disturbed
"a place for my head" linkin park
"make me bad" korn
"alone i break" korn
"i'm afraid of americans" trent and david |
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| i need him to be ok. |
[Nov. 16th, 2006|10:31 pm] |
| [ | i feel like being... |
| |  upset... and worried | ] |
| [ | eat your cupcake |
| | "fragile" - Nine Inch Nails | ] |
tonight calls for an LJ post...
i haven't talked to ... all day, and all of a sudden i get this IM, and it's seriously got me worried. the only thing that's stopping me from going down there right now is the fact that he asked me not to. i wish i could, and i wish i could make everything better for him.
this has gotten me upset. there's not need to be a sadist of somethings, and don't hit teenage kids, it's a little on the fucked-up side. (i'm completely for disicpline of children, but that's a different subject).
i'm exceedingly worried about him right now. i feel like i need to be there.
i really do love him, something i thought i could never do again.
but as greg would say "c'est la vie", and tonight i wish i didn't have to agree, because it shouldn't be. i think i'm going to get medicated with a leftover from my migraine and try to forget until tomorrow, when i can make it better
-H |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 1st, 2006|06:51 pm] |
| [ | where? |
| | the cribbo | ] |
| [ | i feel like being... |
| |  blah | ] |
| [ | eat your cupcake |
| | "big love" fleetwood mac | ] |
guys, be smart asses and vote democrat!!!!
once again, raise your hand if you got that. |
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| so this week has been hell. |
[Oct. 26th, 2006|04:42 pm] |
monday - warning for speeding, officer niceman clocked me at 87.
- got maimed into the parking lot of WO, my car is niice, hers got scratched
tuesday - contest... AHS, they did good to me ;-) i love most of you!!!
wednesday - ummm, i took a nap.
- i realized i can't find my debit cards
thursday - cancelled the debit cards ::grumble:grumble:: i just hate writing checks
- i'm terribly bored right now.
friday - i get to come home!!!
<3 |
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| i'm done leave me alone.... don't try to wake me in the morning because i will be gone. |
[Oct. 16th, 2006|07:46 pm] |
| [ | where? |
| | my bed | ] |
| [ | i feel like being... |
| | discontent | ] |
| [ | eat your cupcake |
| | "asleep" the smiths | ] |
i hate this time of year, i hate feeling nostalgic, i hate feeling melancholy, i hate the rain when i can't play, i hate wanting to sleep, i hate my body, i hate my chronic mood swings, i hate posting in these fucking journals, i hate where i take myself, i hate having to maintain sobriety, i hate not being able to get high, i hate the fact that i have to deal with so much shit, i hate smoking, i the way some people patronize me, i hate when people ignore me, i hate this town, i hate being alone, i hate intentionally stupid people, i hate crying, i hate putting myself down, i hate people yelling at me, i hate when people look down on me, i hate the way some people look at me, i hate most people's attention, i hate having to deal with morons who expect me to do things for them, i hate when people just stop talking to me, and i hate trying to fight the urge to not crawl in my hole of discontent and i wish i could make this stop.
Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I'm tired and I
I want to go to bed
Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
And then leave me alone
Don't try to wake me in the morning
'Cause I will be gone
Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I will feel so glad to go
Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I don't want to wake up
On my own anymore
Sing to me
Sing to me
I don't want to wake up
On my own anymore
Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I really want to go
There is another world
There is a better world
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Bye bye.
i'll be ok in a few days... or at least i hope so. |
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| untitled |
[Oct. 10th, 2006|10:20 pm] |
| [ | where? |
| | my bed... | ] |
| [ | i feel like being... |
| |  crazy | ] |
| [ | eat your cupcake |
| | roseanne in the background | ] |
his reasoning makes me laugh... i just remembered this
(while going through his mail)- "i'm not going there"
me- "where's there?"
him- "rice university in houston"
me- "what's wrong with houston, kendra's in houston?"
him- "it's hot enough here, i'm not to houston where it's hotter!"
it's not word for word, but it's still funny and it makes me laugh |
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| did you forget to take your meds? |
[Oct. 5th, 2006|08:49 pm] |
| [ | where? |
| | my apt. | ] |
| [ | i feel like being... |
| | discontent | ] |
| [ | eat your cupcake |
| | "meds'- placebo | ] |
i was in the shower a while ago, and completely had a fit and started crying, and i'm completely sure why... i've been feeling really stressed lately. and then nikki didn't come, and joel was getting yelled at and counldn't talk to me. i don't know what my problem is. i'm just tired and tired and i miss everyone in texarkana. i've been feeling a bit off lately, it's like i've walking around in a daze. even when i'm driving, i'll start thinking about something and just not pay attention to how fast i'm going or anything else around me.
i'm not sure why i'm posting in this, i guess the people on my myspace and facebook would call a duck on me, and i'm not in the mood to put up with inane bullshit right now.
i just thought i'd say something else on here.
in the words of kendall... "i wish a mutha fucka would"
-heather |
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| inane |
[Sep. 11th, 2006|11:39 pm] |
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why is that when you get to college, you kinda go from livejournal to xanga to myspace? |
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| hey... hey |
[Aug. 14th, 2006|09:11 pm] |
| [ | where? |
| | greg's | ] |
| [ | i feel like being... |
| |  cranky | ] |
| [ | eat your cupcake |
| | "violent pornography" - soad | ] |
you know what pisses me the hell off?
i was a target today... i spent about $60 i used my debit/crdit card. i get to walmart to get something, and my card declines. i'm about to hit a dead baby. i call the bank, and it says something along the lines of i spent $120 today... i'm like wtf? it turns out target charged me twice. i hate when places do that shit.
and, i wanted to EXCHANGE some sheets that i bought for a different color. i didn't have a recipt, and didn't think i'd need one to exchange something, i haven't in the past. anyways the lady babbles something about needed a recipt, so i'm like "wtf? hang on" i go but the sheets in the color that i was going to change them for handed her that recipt along woth the sheets that i didn't want and was like "ok, can i have a refund" she tried to give me hell about it but i was like "no" and i got my effing money.
and, i went to walmart later to get gas, my card declines... again, but that's b/s because i put money in there, target refunded what they owed. ugh....
i leave saturday |
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munchkincracker's journal
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